Prologue, The Somme, 1916

PART 1: THE RISE AND FALL OF BULLSHOT CRUMMOND

1. In which Captain Crummond is visited by ennui and Lord Bunky Brancaster
2. In which Miss Fenton stumbles on the catalyst and Lord Binky Brancaster stumbles on a pigeon
3. In which the Yard is daunted by a flabbergasting formula and floored by a dagger flaunted in a garter
4. In which the Professor's numbers are halved in a locket and the numb Professor is locked in a harlot
5. In which the Captain crouches at Brancaster and sniffs a whiff of intrigue, and the Count intrigues at Netherington and braves a whiff of Crouch
6. In which an exercise is remembered and a member is re-exercised
7. In which the Professor is betrayed by an involuntary slip of the tongue
8. In which the battle is won by an oar and lost by a potted palm
9. In which Miss Fenton commits two faux pas and Captain Crummond passes two foes
10. In which the Captain makes up his mind at the mantelpiece as the Count makes up his face at the mirror
11. In which the cunning arm of blind fate starts a taxi and stops a bus
12. In which Lenya von Brunno is caught in her bad habits and the Black Baron of Blitzburg exposes himself
13. In which the Hun are scotched by a Roedean downpour and a Scotchman is poured down under the road
14. In which Hawkeye McGilliecuddy falls into a tree, Captain Crummond falls into a window, and Miss Fenton falls into a swoon
15. In which Miss Fenton kills with kindness and talc, Hugh Crummond destroys a Whippet with his bare hands, and a lumbering monster is put out of its misery
16. In which we see the rise of world destruction, the growth of a myth, and the decline and fall of an inflated legend

    PART 2: THE RETURN OF BULLSHOT CRUMMOND

17. In which the hardest substance known to man is created in an underground torture chamber laboratory, hides under Miss Fenton's cushion and inside her Chinese urn, and promises to be home in time for tea
18. In which Crummond is fooled by a French widow and Crouch is foul by a french window
19. In which the Captain mounts a rescue and Lenya mounts the Captain
20. In which Dr Blitzer's beep is blown by Albert Einstein, the Black Baron's bamboozle is blown by Miss Fenton, and the most brilliant minds in the universe are blown by a giant aerosol
21. In which an extraordinary theory sticks in Dr Einstein's throat, an explosive fury sticks in Captain Crummond's mouth, and an excruciating flunkey is stuck on Miss Fenton's feet
22. In which Miss Fenton prepares to die in a quarry and Crouch dies to quarry Miss Fenton's pears
23. In which the Hun nation are taught the meaning of pluck and how to bat by the rules, and the British nation are caught out for a duck and stumped in the goolies
24. In which Captain Crummond arises like a phoenix from its ashes and is buried in a very hard substance
25. In which something soft, wet and squidgy moves under Miss Fenton's legs and starts up Captain Crummond's ferocious Lagonda
26. In which Captain Crummond wrestles with eight talking tentacles and goes down for the Count
27. In which Dobbs instructs his master's friend to throttle a motorcar and Lenya destructs His Master's Voice to throttle Miss Fenton
28. In which science is unchained from an armchair and sorcery is unplugged on a four-poster bed
29. In which a gangling goggly-eyed giggler gambols in her goggles and a grunting gurgling gargoyle gambles on his gunnery
30. In which the Captain has a a plane to catch and the Professor has a shoulder to cry on
31. In which you will truly believe that an Englishman can fly
32. In which Rosemary gets her man, Binky does his bit and Bullshot pulls it off

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This page was created on 15 August 1996 and last updated on 27 November 1996.

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Copyright © Martin Noble, 1996.